Hard things

 

Forgive me a journal post. Some potentially triggering details removed. 

4/6/24 Saturday 12:20am

Three minutes later than last night, but tonight, we are done in St. George. 

Done. 

It was a freaking marathon. So incredibly hard. I'm so incredibly proud of Kristen. And Ryan. And Benjamin. And Rebecca. Oh, my heart. And my Jesus. 

How do I put it into words?

My 22 year old daughter is a widow. 

... She tried to resuscitate him. 

She gave him her whole self and he is gone now. 

She had to leave her home. Their home. Tonight, my daughter became homeless. 

We invited her back into our home. We let her know our home, the home of her childhood, would always be her home - whatever other homes she may have. 

We prayed - she prayed before we left the apartment for the last time. Before she left the apartment for the last time. The prayer was moving. She worried she had not done enough. We reassured her that was not something she was capable of. Kristen is 200%. Always.

And Michael loved that about her. 

On the way up, Ryan played the Hawaii playlist - the first time in a year that he felt joy in it. We sang, oh, how we sang. Kristen belted Fight Song/ Amazing Grace by the Piano Guys and one could not hear it and not cry with her. 

Everyone is struggling. This is hell.

I don't know how many times I found a quiet moment and prayed, 

“God, Consecrate my day to the welfare of my soul and may my life be a benefit to my posterity. Help me know what to do next.”

When Ryan and Kristen tried to get Michael's sedan going and it wouldn't work I felt like we needed to pray and go back and try again. I specifically felt that someone would be there to help us. 

Rebecca and I prayed and she came with me, and just a moment after we got the hood popped, a Hispanic man with kind eyes came and in hand gestures indicated that he had longer cables, which we needed to try to jump the car. When he came back he had the cables. His name was Francisco. He was smoking. He was an angel. 

Kristen joined us, then Ryan. I saw a Book of Mormon in the side door of the car and felt I should give it to him. 

The car never did turn over. The alternator is probably dead, but Francisco heard me testify, with Ryan as partial translator, that I had prayed and God had told me someone would be there to help us, and that the Book of Mormon was the most precious book and that the truths there were the only reason we were ok in the face of my daughter's husband's death. 

He told Ryan he had been thinking of investigating the church, but had been afraid. 

He said he would go talk to his family about it. We gave him our phone numbers. 

God can make good from anything. Anything. 

And when we put our will in his hands, he can do miracles.

We still don't have the miracle we had hoped for. Michael isn't with us, but maybe his days were shortened because he had reached the furthest he could in this life and God mercifully allowed him to go home. 

The scriptures I read today to try to find peace seemed to indicate such. 

Give your will to him. Miracles come. His miracles. God’s way is higher than our way and his thoughts are higher than our thoughts. 

I will trust in him. God, just don't leave me, please. 

Met Michelle at McMillan Mortuary today. Laughed about praying to be like Christ, then wondering why we have hard trials…Christ is perfectly empathetic. 

But, Christ also felt every single blessing that ever relieved pain and suffering…that is why he feels it when we serve others. 

All he wants is to have us love him and love one another. 

I'm so grateful for the Chosen clearing up a piece of Christ's teachings for me.

"If your faith be as a mustard seed"

It doesn't matter the size, but what you direct your faith at, what it is in. Mine is in Christ. And through him, I can do all things.