Snapshot

Hubby and I have a long-standing agreement that he is in charge of making sure that garbage gets out of the house and then to the curb on the appointed day. This has been sometimes disputed territory, and, so to avoid further debates, I have simply sworn off taking it out whether it sits there a month. This is not an angry thing, simply an acknowledgement that I have many items on my morning and other to-do lists and unless it is on my list, I simply can not accomodate it.

So, this morning, I go out for my walk and decide that I will take the cans to the curb just this once in appreciation for all sweetheart has been doing lately for us, all the while thinking of how his face will shine with appreciation on his return.

At 7:53am he rushes in the door like a whirlwind. Seminary has apparently gone late and he is in danger of being late for work. A not completely uncommon occurance. He heads for the bedroom to get changed. No shine. No appreciation. *sigh*

He throws lunch in a bag and I find a way to  *humbly - ahem* sneak in the fact that I have laboriously sacrificed my morning by taking out the trash for him.

Nothing.

He rushes out the door with a kiss and a "love you babe" and me calling out "Don't forget your prayer!!" - also not uncommon to our morning routine.

I go to take my shower, raincloud over my head and feeling put out.

Then I remember a little lesson I learned only recently. Turn to God for your approval. I, truly meekly now, say a little prayer asking God if he is pleased with my attempt at doing service for my sweetheart. I am surprised, although I don't know why - it has happened every time I have done this, to feel a warm assurance of love and ... appreciation!! There it is! The validation I needed. It is always there whenever I have done my best and ask for His approval.

God is not stingy in his love, guidance, or approval.

It's the little things

I stole the title of this post from a friend's blog. I love the thought behind it. Today was definitely a day where the little things made it all worthwhile.

*A one year old folding her arms for the first time for family prayer.
*Same one year old learning to kiss and screech at the top of her lungs with laughter. - Yeah, gotta tone that one down eventually...
*Seeing siblings laugh together and be respectful to each other - sometimes these moments are not as frequent as I'd like, but I love seeing it when it does happen.
*Lemon for your fish.
*A song that makes you smile.
*A friend who makes you re-evaluate a mindset.
*A prayer answered.

It really is the little things! (A thanks and hug to Lindsay, who we will miss carpooling with very much.)

We Seek After These Things

I looked up the definitions of "virtuous, lovely, good report, praiseworthy" tonight. How often I let these things pass me by. Far from 'seeking them out', I seem to miss them entirely unless I make the effort to watch for, or in retrospect, look for them.

My oldest son recently was feeling pretty down - if I remember right, we didn't let him play video games, downright cruelty as far as he's concerned ... Anyway, he listed his problems for me as I tucked him in and I acknowledged his difficulties, then, I asked him to find 5 good things or blessings for every one thing he felt was wrong. It took a little while, but by the time he went to sleep, he was smiling.

I know a lady who smiled at me today and said that yes, her husband might lose his job, but she knew God would take care of them. I believe she counts the blessings in her life. Hope and gratitude seem so deeply tied.

How often do I count my difficulties and forget entirely to count my blessings - or at least only look for them peripherally - enough to see that they couldn't possibly overwhelm the sad state of my life. But, a man once said "We must never allow our burdens to obscure our blessings" (Jeffery R. Holland) and another man explained why. He said, "The expectation that more is deserved can cause our plate of plenty to appear empty." (Gordon T. Watts) For their special witness and addresses, click on the links.

So, a couple of blessings:
*The dryer was empty when I remembered at bedtime that I had started a load of wash this morning.
*Primary songs - catchy tunes that teach my kids the important lessons of life - like honesty, courage, and faith. (tonight's favorite? "Nephi's Courage")
*A car that runs - (ahem, despite my best efforts, ie. denying it that oil change that I keep swearing I'm going to work into my schedule!)
*Rotisserie chickens from Smiths. We don't do it often, but an easy dinner here and there is a blessing. Not to mention the blessing of being able to survive occasional dips into the food budget - something we couldn't do as 'poor college kids'.
*Wedding ring - I forgot to put it back on after making bread the other day and slept a whole night without it - drove me nuts. I was so glad to get it back on.
*Soft baby skin. I know it's hard for alot of people - alot of people I love actually, who aren't at a point yet where they have been able to have children, but I think God must know I'm not as strong of a person as they are. My whole drive some days is encompassed in those chubby little bodies.
*And of course, talking parenting reminds me of my gratitude for my Savior, who takes my best efforts and amplifies and refines them to be a benefit to my family. This constant purging and renewing influence allows me to open my eyes each morning to another day, abandoning the regrets of the past and preparing me to make all new mistakes - but make them with the best of intentions and, hopefully, some progress.

Yeah, not quite 5 to 1 yet, but I'll keep working on it. By the time my head hits my pillow, I bet I'll be sleeping as sweetly as my six year old.

Good night world - as someone once said (my husband's laughing right now, I'm sure - have I mentioned that I have a memory like a sieve?) it's not so much a matter of how far you've moved, as it is of making sure you're facing the right direction. So, here's to trying again tomorrow. Sleep well.

Kitchen blessing

I have been married for over 10 years now and am just now finding the joy (and actually attaining success) in managing my home. I never knew before, first, how much work it is to actually keep a home in good order day to day, and second, that it is actually possible. Any child who is reared in such a home and learns the habits of work and care for one's own living area has a wonderful blessing.

Current schedule? Sure, here it is:

7a-make kids a whole-foods breakfast while they get themselves ready and lunches made (again, as healthy as I can get - still learning about healthy eating) and Ryan does Rebecca's AM treatment.
7:30a-Breakfast, then last minute clean-up/getting out the door.
9a-Start cleaning. Everyday things like dishes and laundry first, then checking over/cleaning surfaces and floors with my four year old working right there beside me.
11a-Work on my inbox. (To Do lists/calendar items, etc...)
12p-Make lunch
1p-Put my 1 year old and 4 year old down for 'nap' and 'quiet time' respectively. Depending on if I slept, take a nap. Getting sufficient sleep is an absolute necessity with fibromyalgia. Additional 'to-do' items.
3p-Pick up the kids and start the evening schedule (which varies day to day and is still needing some tweaking.)

Other things like exercise, also a must with fibro, homework, yard work, scripture study, prayer, time to fulfill callings, etc. are also getting worked in, but aren't set in stone yet - well, prayer is, it's as soon as I get up. Scripture reading too - but not scripture study - which I consider very different. Dr.'s appointments - which we have a lot of lately with all four kids having CF, and one so far having ADHD and going through further testing for some other things, and grocery shopping/other shopping are morning items that will have to move daily cleaning to the next day. I am learning that I just can't do it all, or at least do it all 'today' - and that's okay.

Now, today I read the following, and in conjunction with some of the lessons I am learning right now, I was extremely touched by it. It was part of a post found here by Sharon Kaufman, a fellow blogger and follower of Christ. Like so many I appreciate and learn from, she is not 'of my faith', but our faith shares the same focus. The context of the original post is fantastic and ends with this thought: "Nourishing others with physical food from our kitchens opens to us the opportunity to nourish them spiritually as well. And that, my dear sisters, is what our kitchens are all about."

A kitchen blessing:

Feeding Others

Bless my little kitchen, Lord;
I love its every nook.
And bless me as I do my work,
Wash pots and pans and cook.

May the meals that I prepare
Be seasoned from above
With Your blessing and Your grace,
But most of all Your love.

As we partake of earthly food
The table You have spread,
We'll not forget to thank You, Lord,
For all our daily bread.

Please bless my little kitchen, Lord
And those who enter here;
May they find Your joy and peace,
Through Christ the Savior dear

For what I offer on each plate
Can only gratify
The temporary need one has -
T'will never satisfy.

But Jesus is the Bread of Life;
It is the soul He feeds.
He gives to every hungering heart
Himself, to meet the need.

In a day when women everywhere are pressured to find fulfillment outside of the home, the emphasis on the importance of the work in the home is refreshing and so worthwhile!

A few thoughts

Life changes are exciting once you embrace them and allow creativity.

*I can see Rebecca's treatment times turning out to be my favorite times of the day. She can't go far because of, first, the nebulizer, then the percussion vest, but I can think of a few fun things to keep her entertained while having to sit still - blocks, counters, coloring, books (of course), banging on pots and pans with spoons, singing ...

*I am playing with cooking and baking more than ever trying to find whole-food alternatives that our family really enjoys. Hunting for things like "lecthin granules" and "powdered ascorbic acid" in the stores is fun in an almost "scavenger-hunt" sort of way.

My focus in these life changes are two things I feel I learned in our most recent General Conference: (Where the current head of our church, our prophet, speaks along with his counselors and other church leaders, on topics relevant to our times and circumstances.)

1. Kindness is a sign of greatness. I need to be kind - starting with my family.
2. Service. I need to serve - beginning in my home.

I know that as I do these two things in my home, all of my other responsibilities will have a greater chance of being accomplished in the way God wants them to be.

Life Changes

By this, I mean that life changes ... and also that I've been experiencing some life-changes. I am amazed at how much I think I know, only to find out later that I really knew so little.

"The glory of God is intelligence, or in other words, light and truth." D&C 93:36

"True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior." Elder Boyd K. Packer in Oct. 1986 General Conference. (Not available yet on lds.org)

But, I don't have alot of time to put my thoughts in paragraph form, so I just want to jot down a list of the things that are on the top of my mind - with a record of my gratitude for the intelligence that is gained by seeing every experience through an eye of faith. I feel elevated. Almost giddy with a perspective that is miles higher than my own. My heart begins to race and I am tempted to give in to the stress of living and then I remember that a power greater than my own has forseen and prepared the way for me. My troubles truly seem to shrink and pile at my feet as pebbles, an apt metaphor made by, I believe it was President James E. Faust.

*My house is a disaster - but it's okay because I am finally prioritizing so that my family comes first. And, yes, I realize that keeping a house in order is also taking care of my family - but it falls below other health needs that are currently pressing. I am also finding that by taking the little time I have with my kids to focus on them instead of the house, we usually end up doing some housework together anyway.

*We have changed our diet. Not that we were on a diet - unless there's a mac'n cheese and corn dog diet out there somewhere. Because of my daughter's difficulties and what looks like high marks for ADD and ADHD (other testing pending), I have been focused on changing the things we eat to try to cut out preservatives, other chemicals, and lessen our sugar intake. I have been hoping that this change to 'whole-foods' would help in my daughter's academics as well as behavior and social difficulties. My husband is not a fan of this style of health-food eating and I am so grateful for the preparation that occurred to make it so it was a change he could support. (beanland.wordpress.com, by the way, is a fantastic source for healthy eating info. and recipes.) I'm still working on making things that taste good, but with the support of my family, I know it's doable and will be so much better for all of us. An example of this support? One experimental dish was tasted by my very tactful 6 year old and then, when asked what he thought, he kindly replied "Well mom, you tried your best." My less-tactful 9 year old said, "Mom, don't worry, I'm sure it's the store's fault."

*We took 3 of my 4 kids to their Cystic Fibrosis clinic yesterday. I was excited for my 9 and 4 year old to be seen, as it was their first clinic and I was sure that they would take one look at them and send us on our way for 6 months. They are both tall for their age and very exuberant. It was difficult to come home instead with 5 prescriptions, 3 new routines, 4 lab slips, 2 specialist referrals and news that my oldest already has some lung damage - probably from surgery on a collapsed lung when she was about 3. They believe the damage is reversible, it's just not what I was expecting, certainly not what I was hoping. This is going to create a life-change for us. Up until now, the kids' CF, being very mild, has been hardly an intrusion on our life, now we are beginning treatments that are twice a day. I was grateful for the experience a month before when they had all been sick and for the first time in my life I found I was able to administer all medications to all children perfectly without having to keep a detailed written schedule. I know God gave me that experience to look back on to recognize that additional wisdom and order could be supplied to help me keep track of everything. As I left, another reminder of my blessings was presented at the door when, in reply to my frustrations at having the visit be less positive than I'd hoped, the clinic coordinator kindly said she understood, but then, looking very sad, reminded me that most of those she sees daily are those who are very very sick. I can't even imagine.

It's not going to be easy, but I have no complaints. It is a relief though, to acknowledge that for me, this is not going to be easy. But I can do hard things.

It doesn't lessen my hard things that I know others have things that are so much harder to deal with. It makes me grateful. It makes me prayerful. It makes me feel like serving. But to not acknowledge this difficulty exists would be to not acknowledge God's blessings through it.

We each have a tailor-made set of difficulties given to us. Oh that I may "[become] as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [me], even as a child doth submit to his father." Mosiah 3:19

And, of course, as I do, 2 Nephi 2:2 comes into play - "...thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain."

"Preachy post"? Perhaps. I did, after all, cite what I believe is scripture. =) But it is preaching to no one but myself. I am weak and following and relying on God has blessed me beyond my own capabilities. It has blessed my family. It has given me hope and brought me from a dark, selfish place to a place of warmth and light and peace.

For me, it has been the answer to everything.

Four lessons

I have learned four things the last two days. In my mother's and grandmother's estimations, that means that I can go to bed, as it only required one thing per day to earn that distinction as far as I ever heard them talk.

*I went to the store the other day and bought bananas. Apparently my one year old was hungry enough and the peel itself was not an obstacle too great to prevent her from trying to chew through to the banana while we were trying to check out. Needless to say, we ate bananas in the car on the way home.

Where did the garbage go? In the grocery sack I have hung between the two front seats of course.

Later that day I have people in my car and I realize that the banana peels are still there. I assure them that they are a new addition to the car and in embarrassment, promise myself that I will take the garbage out at the earliest opportunity.

Two days later. I get in the car and smell the faint smell of bananas. Hmm, nice air freshener. I think to myself,  I don't think Ryan would have gone and bought a banana air freshener for my car. . . Takes me a moment to realize that I STILL have rotting banana peels in my car. *sigh*

Lesson? Banana peels can make a good car air freshener, but not recommended for more than two days.

*Next. My oldest just had surgery to get tubes in her ears and had an adnoidectomy. The surgery itself goes well, but she does not come out of it too well. It turns into a very long day. Physically exhausted and mentally drained, I sit down to read and to attempt to get lost in a book. I still feel dissatisfied. When my husband gets home I find myself, in tears, telling him how I feel I need to get away from the stress of the house.

As I am saying this I find the idea of having to leave my home to find peace disturbing. I then realize that what I really want is for my home to be my haven. Something clicks and I suddenly feel a desire to do dishes. In working on the dishes I feel satisfied. At last. I am still as tired, but I feel joy in improving my surroundings and serving my family.

I have desired to feel this way for so long, I don't know why my prayer was answered that evening, but I do know that I have more focus to make my home the 'getaway' for myself and all who enter. The work seems lighter and gives me a satisfaction that running away only to return to the same messes would never give. I have a feeling it is one of those lessons I will have to learn more than once, but I am so grateful. Maybe I'll be able to sing "Love At Home" with a little less resentment now. (Yeah, it's never been my favorite song ... in fact, I even went so far as to make up alternate words to it, something about 'There is crying all around when there's dirty diapers at home ...')

*Third, this one is pretty simple. It's one I've heard before and it's sinking deeper into my understanding. When I yell - which I have been known to do now and then ... maybe more, I am simply throwing my own adult-sized tantrum. It is immaturity. It is me getting so frustrated that what I really want to do is throw myself on the floor and pound my hands and feet against it, mad at the world that things aren't fair. It is me being tired and needing a nap, or maybe a time-out.

For all the excuses there are out there for yelling (some of which are still acceptable as far as I'm concerned "Don't go in that street young man!" being an example.) I'd say most of them fall into this category of, as we call it at our house, "throwing a fit".

Now, along with this, I have learned a joint lesson in it, which makes me grateful. God didn't just look at me and say, realize you're throwing a tantrum and stop. He walked me through why I have had such difficulty in raising my small children. Why I have felt that things have been so unfair - although I didn't realize that is what I was feeling at the time.

I found that my discontent seems to have grown from the following: I have always thought that you could only feel the spirit and listen to it's promptings when things were quiet and reverent. In fact, it is A way to feel the spirit, and maybe the best, but I got so discouraged with the constant chaos that small children bring, that I had finally fallen into hopelessness of ever having a quiet, reverent house and maybe not feeling the spirit again until all the children had moved out. The fact is, scripturally, direction has been given and the spirit felt when the individual sought God and was peaceful enough to hear the response, not necessarily when all around them was calm and at peace. I think of times of war and times of dissension when, surely, leaders have needed the guidance of the spirit. In fact, it is very rare that we can completely control our outward environment, and sometimes we can not leave to find a more peaceful setting. I have learned that if within myself I can be at peace, then I can feel the spirit - and more inspiring to me still, that I don't have to be perfect to be able to hear it's sweet call.

*Last, and a much needed relief - our dishwasher has been leaving our dishes dirty. Switching mind-frames in the middle of other things going on, to now needing to hand-wash dishes didn't go so well and the dishes started to pile up. A wonderful friend came over and casually made the comment, run vinegar through it!

I did.

It washes dishes again and now I make it a point to put vinegar in as a rinse aid for every load.

Little blessings, constant learning, and most of all, faith in my Savior now and in his love, and hope for eternal happiness. These constitute some of the best things in my life right now. Still so much to learn and so much growing to do. No wonder we are told to judge on intention, rather than actions. I hope I can be judged with such mercy. Heaven knows I need it.

Finding something positive

Life goes on.

Positives for today:

*Cleaned house!
*Got to hang and talk music with the Jen-meister.
*Had lunch with some ladies whom I admire. (And had some killer home-made french bread - yay for new recipes!)
*Beautiful sunset.

Sad that some things that I can not control are not going well, but trying to lay that aside and just count blessings. There is a power in positive thinking. Our perspective truly is our reality.

Lepers

I came to a startling realization today. I am the other 9 lepers.

In the story of the 10 lepers. Christ heals all of them and 9, in great joy run off to show friends and family the great miracle that has occurred to them. As Emily Freeman says in "21 Days Closer to Christ" - one only, a Samaritan, stood still - amazed at what had happened and then went to the Savior and fell on his face before Him.

I believe I have lived my life joyously grateful for the miraculous blessings in my life, but then I'm afraid I have not taken too much thought to rushing back to my life. Yay! I was saved from THAT inconvenience, whew - now, where was I at ...

And Christ, in his merciful, loving way, has still blessed me over and over again.

But now, when there is a blessing, I want to stop, and come closer to my Savior. I want to really know where that blessing comes from and know the power that wrought it. I want to take the time to bow before Him and declare my love and gratitude. I don't just want to thank Him in a rushed prayer and rush back to the world, I want to figuratively sit at the feet of He who has power to save and learn His doctrine, hear His words, feel His love, and KNOW Him.

"Savior, may I learn to love thee, walk the path that thou has shown ..." (Lord, I would follow Thee, Hymn 220)

This, to know my God, THIS is the ultimate worthwhile.

Stay close

I went to COSTCO today with all 4 kids. As we left with our over-filled cart, my children started acting in the oddest ways. They are usually so good about looking before going in the street, but my 4 year old especially just wasn't getting it today. The only thing that went through my mind was 'Stay close!'. I knew that no matter how distracted they were being, if they just stayed close they would be okay - especially if I could get them to hold to the side of the basket.

It has been made very apparent to me today with reading some talks, specifically Julie B. Beck's October conference talk for the RS meeting as well as Barbara Thompson's, that God is constantly warning us to 'stay close'. Vital and simple things like reading scriptures and saying prayers are so easily neglected, when, even if other parts of our lives aren't in order, they are the things that will keep us safe. The very strength each of us seek to address daily concerns, temptations, and personal tragedies comes from staying close to the Savior. He stands taller than us. He sees beyond our sight. Best of all, He loves us and wants us to be safe, to have peace, to be happy.

Someone I love very much once said, "Pray, because it brings you back to God, read your scriptures because they are the answer to your prayers, and smile, because you know what's going on."

In a nutshell - I guess my goal for my life really is to 'stay close'. I pray my children will do the same. "Keep the commandments, keep the commandments, in this there is safety, in this there is peace..." (Hymn 303)

Of Hospitals and Hairties

We have found out that all four of our children have the two mutations necessary to be considered as having cystic fibrosis or, 'CF'. Our oldest daughter is beginning testing for ADD/ADHD, and we have scheduled a surgery for this same oldest daughter to get tubes in her ears. Can I say I felt a little overwhelmed?

Until I called a friend of mine.

A mother of five with more real strength than I could boast in a lifetime. She was at the hospital, she told me, where she had been for the last two days since taking her 8 year old in to their pediatrician for a fever and finding out that she has leukemia. They were admitted to the hospital that same day where her daughter underwent surgery to place a port, extract bone marrow, and perform a spinal tap. By the time I got there on Monday - armed with as much pink fuzziness as I could acquire - she had been throwing up all morning and was just ready to try a piece of lettuce. They gave her a double dosage of morphine and her mother said that was the first time she had been out of pain in three days.

My heart ached for her.

Looking to do something helpful, I offered to braid the little girl's hair. Now, with my own daughter, I am usually in a rush and am more concerned with perfection in the lines of the braid than the comfort going into it. If I hit a tangle, it is usually with some impatience that I try to divide the tangle and get the part where I want it. As I did this braid though, I realized that I was much more concerned with not causing any more pain. I wondered at my lack of compassion for my own protesting daughter and vowed to do better. The braid was lovely and I felt a singular pride at having been able to accomplish it with (hardly) any yelps of protest.

I spent that day and the next overwhelmed for the welfare of my friend. I still am thinking and praying for her. Perhaps it was meant to be that I was in a mood to be compassionate toward my daughter, because then today happened.

Maybe when the pain has lessened a little I can share today's events. A wonderful friend helped me to realize that I wasn't the first to go through it, but man. It was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. It is not leukemia, but it caused an acute pain of another sort. Motherhood is not for wimps, that's for sure. I think though, if we hold to hope, and seek and acknowledge that which is 'virtuous, lovely, of good report or praiseworthy' in our lives, then we overcome.

I have so much to learn.

A favorite poem that captures some of my feelings right now:

Isn't it strange

that princes and kings,

and clowns that caper

in sawdust rings,

and common people

like you and me

are builders for eternity!

Each is given a bag of tools,

a shapeless mass

and a book of rules,

and each must make-

ere life is flown-

a stumbling block

or a stepping stone.

-Author Unknown

Taking it slowly

I have found that it is worthwhile to take things a little slower. Maybe put my multi-tasking skills down for a bit and concentrate on one...thing...at...a...time. I watch a woman I admire who does everything deliberately. She speaks only after thinking. She washes dishes one at a time. She stops to pet the dog, but only after stopping to put whatever she is holding away. She focuses on you when you speak to her and looks you in the eye. She drives with a sense of calm, never distressing what the time or traffic is - knowing she can not control either. I watch her and I am amazed. I realize that right now, for me, this is what I need to do.

I played John Schmidt's "Waterfall" today at my children's elementary school for a 'Parent Talent Show'. About the time I was supposed to go up they discovered that their time budget did not match the number of volunteers. I offered to be taken off of the program, but seeing my son's excitement and look of protest at the thought, they kept me in. To try to make amends, I made an interesting choice. I chose to try to 'hurry' through the song. Now, if you've heard the song Waterfall, you'll know why it was interesting. If you haven't, let me explain that playing it at speed is playing it slightly slower than the speeds reached at a Nascar race. Trying to hurry through it, especially at my skill level, has pretty much the same result as throwing several large boulders on the Nascar track.

However, I have taken to doing other things slower and with more focus and every time it has brought it's own sense of calm and been a good experience. Each time I realize that I am just a person, not a super hero - and somehow, instead of feeling bad about it, I feel very satisfactory. I feel that, yes, I may only be doing one thing, but I'm doing my best to do it well. And, if I'm putting my priorities in order, for the most part, whatever needs to come next can wait while I get the first thing done.

In the end, I can only do what I can do - and that will just have to be good enough.

Steady now ...

Oatmeal.

Apple-cinnamon oatmeal, to be specific. Not nearly as healthy as non-apple-cinnamon oatmeal - as is addressed in Fitness Nerd's article here, But better than the peanut-m&ms I was going to label as breakfast earlier in the day. 

As "Fitness Nerd" says, "...eating healthy is a matter of degrees."

One step at a time...

Two experiences

So, a couple of worthwhile experiences from the last few days.

First one - self-analysis on parenting. My sweet, wonderful daughter is still struggling mightily in school. After another email from the teacher, I spent the day wondering what I could do to help my daughter in both academics and behavior. I went through a cycle of self-blame, remembering every mistake I had made throughout her life, all the times I was less-patient than I felt I should have been. I researched internet articles on parenting. (admittedly all from lds.org, whose parenting advice I trust more than anyone's) I even found out about new parenting and marriage classes offered through my church and considered signing up. (And then found out that although I could get the manuals, the classes aren't actually offered in my area right now.) Lots of tears and humility were experienced in this search for 'the answer'. The one thing that would turn everything around for my daughter.

After all of the anguish, I was forced to admit that although it had been far from perfect, I had done my best and would continue to do so. I was left with a couple ideas of things that I could do better on - namely spending more one on one time - less multi-tasking, and second, monthly 'interviews' that surprisingly, I found were appropriate for a mother to do as well as a father, which had been my understanding before. I also felt deeply that perhaps one of the most beneficial things that would come from, what I felt was, a family crisis would be the example that although really difficult times would come, my husband and I would both still be there for our kids when the crisis passed. Although I think that the way you pass through difficulties is character-building, when you show your humanity by not handling difficulties as gracefully as you'd hope, the foundational lesson of permanence is hopefully still there. Wow, I feel like I just wrote a tongue-twister, oh well, hopefully it came through okay.

Second experience. Finally walked again this morning - solves so many physical ills!!! (That and water) And on my walk, passed an odd sight. A man out in his front yard piling smaller stones around one larger upright stone. Oh, a memorial, I thought, and continued to walk. Felt a prompting to go back. Seriously? I thought. "Seriously", I felt. Ok, so I go back, picking up a small stone on my way to add to the pile. He thanks me with a generous smile and I feel that it was the right thing to do. I ask him, trying to be sensitive, "Can I ask?", pointing to the pile. "Of course", he responds. "Animal?" I ask sensitively. He looks surprised. Apparently he was just trying to make something artistic in his yard - felt it was a bit messy with all the rocks strewn about.

*sigh*

However, we have a good laugh and he offers his name. I shake his hand and give him mine in return. As I resume walking, I wonder what the point was and am answered calmly that the only point might have been to show one person that there was another person in the world who cared.

I guess that is pretty worthwhile.

Faith in every footstep

I have loved keeping this blog. It has been a forum for my thoughts and an excuse to look for my blessings and examine my choices in the use of my time and means. I am so grateful, so incredibly grateful for faith. My husband often cites Brigham Young (an early leader in the LDS or "Mormon" church) as saying that faith can move mountains, but you'd better bring a shovel.

The illustration of metalworking is apt as well. Faith must be tried, heated, shaped, to truly be strong and become a tool we can utilize.

I recently received a new calling. (In our church assignments are given, we believe, through revelation and according to God's will by one who is called to organize and has a leadership position.) It is an assignment that will require alot of time and energy, but is one that I know I have been prepared for. I felt calm and at peace throughout that day, but I tell you, my faith the next day was sorely tried. Doubts came from every direction, I didn't seem able to focus, my abilities were called into question by myriads of reminders of weaknesses I have. I even found myself so unfocused that I had difficulty driving. My very safety and that of my children seemed at risk. I was an emotional mess and when I asked for a father's blessing that night, I felt abandoned at the lack of calm and peace it produced - even though it did contain wonderful counsel and blessings. Why would this happen?

With peace in my heart and joy in my soul, I can say that I know now that my faith was being tried and it shines brighter now than it did before. The peace and calm returned when I realized that on my own, yes, I would fall flat on my face. If all was left up to me, I would undoubtedly fail. But I am not serving alone. I know that if I am humble, God will stand by me in this. I've said it before, I am weak and have many faults, but if God wants me to do this, then he'll help me succeed at it. I feel I have much to learn, and that is exciting.

This experience has also thrown into deep contrast the difference between feelings from a loving God and feelings from a strong and knowing adversary. How different they are.

Anyway, so my worthwhile today is faith. Never still, constantly growing. With God, all things are truly possible - and so, with faith, all things are possible. In the Book of Mormon, when asked to do a difficult task, the brothers of a prophet named Nephi said "How is it possible that the Lord will deliver Laban into our hands? Behold, he is a mighty man, and he can command fifty, yea, even he can slay fifty; then why not us?" and this prophet's response is one of my favorite scriptures - "And it came to pass that I spake unto my brethren, saying: Let us go up again unto Jerusalem, and let us be ^afaithful in keeping the commandments of the Lord; for behold he is mightier than all the earth, then why not ^bmightier than Laban and his fifty, yea, or even than his tens of thousands?" 1 Nephi 3:31-4:1


Keep the faith!

Week in review

Monday - My daughter gave one of her first solo Family Home Evening lessons. She planned the lesson and gave assignments for scripture, prayers, song, and treat. The lesson topic she chose was preparing to go on a mission. It was a commendable effort, but next time I think she'll read the scriptures she has chosen before she asks others to read them mid-lesson. I had great difficulty not showing my amusement when my husband was given the assignment to read 1 Nephi 22:13. But the lesson did afford some really good discussion.

Tuesday - Had a very early morning/late Monday night picking up a good friend's son from the airport. Just FYI - if traffic is bad getting to the airport, try around 1am, it is much better then. 

Wednesday - Not a fun day. We had Rebecca's first, and Joseph's second Cystic Fibrosis clinic. I need to keep remembering that we are very very blessed that they are so healthy. We get to find out in a couple of weeks that our two other children do not have CF (hopefully). I am so grateful that my sister was able to take my 4 year old so he didn't have to sit through a 4 hour appointment. I am also grateful that Joseph's lung test actually came out better this year than last. Now, if we wouldn't have had to go and get their blood drawn for their annual labs, the day might not have been so hard - but the technician had great difficulty in drawing Rebecca's blood. Pediatric phlebotomist is definitely NOT on my wish list of occupations. Ever. 4 pokes, two arms, and one blown vein later, all but two of the vials they needed were finally filled and the tech. called it quits. Rebecca recovered pretty quickly, her mommy, not so much.

Thursday - Sang with our church choir again after a couple weeks break. It was amazing. I can't wait until my sister can rejoin the choir and we can share the experience again.

Friday - ah, today. What can I say about today, but that I feel blessed that we have been kept safe and healthy through another week. I am grateful for the lessons I have learned and the prayers that have been answered. This week I have learned that I need to allow that Joseph and Rebecca having Cystic Fibrosis is a reality that I can not wish away. I need to accept it for what it is and what it means for our family, be grateful that it is not what so many others with this disease have to deal with, and then move on and keep my emotions in check. It does no good to get emotional. My kids need me to show them through my example that this is no big deal, or at least, that with God, it doesn't have to be. 

When the technician asked me what the kids were getting blood drawn for and I told her CF, she looked me in the eye and told me God gave strong parents to these kids. I hope she's right.

I saw God today

Heard this song today on the radio. It talked about seeing God in everything around you, in the miracle of birth, in nature, in those we love.

I think I love this song.

It's not new apparently, but I'd never heard it. I love the message. You can listen to it here, it's George Strait's "I Saw God Today".

I take things for granted so often, and am so much happier when I remember my blessings and who they are from.

Thank you, Heavenly Father, for the sunshine today, for my children, for the safety and security of my home. Thank you for our health. Thank you for the beauty of the mountains. Some may say it's corny - but the promise to be able to see God is biblical. "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God." Matthew 5:8

I never considered that a possible fulfillment of this promise would be to the one who could see God in everything around them.

This is a promise I want to take part in.

Memories ... don't do it, don't do it, do not need to sing ... ...

This post is regarding the blessing of memory, and the value of history.

I feel very strongly about journal writing - this may stem from the fact that if I do not write things down, I don't  remember. I've decided that this is something I can actively work on. Without memories and history, how can I learn from the past, judge present circumstances, or make a plan for the future? How can I value friend and familial relationships and draw strength from them? My faith in myself is based on my understanding of where I've been and its relation to where I am now. I've wondered before if my lack of memory is normal. Is it common, not only to not remember the majority of your childhood, but to have large chunks of recent time that are so obscured that when friends relate them they are completely unrecognizable?

I read a funny piece in a recent Reader's Digest on the subject that is far funnier than I have energy to be tonight. It made me feel a little more normal. I can't find the link, or I would include it here.

But, like I said, this is something I'm going to work on. I'm a little nervous, I'll confess. You never know what a current perspective on a past event will result in. I was given a good piece of advice in starting this endeavor however. I will try to remember through a lens of gratitude. I probably won't post the results from this experiment, but I felt it necessary to mark the beginning of the journey. I need to know where I come from. Maybe I don't remember because I simply haven't taken time to stop and remember.

In gratitude, I do want to post the first couple of memories that have come to mind.

* I remember sitting in the front room with my mom during Christmas time as she would wrap presents. Others were there with us, and I remember the Christmas tree with it's lights. I don't remember where mom pulled the presents from, because I don't remember having the opportunity to see them before they were wrapped. I only remember mom pointing to one she had just wrapped in front of me and saying, "That one is yours.", and not having any idea what it was. I was amazed at the cunning I figured that must have required. Of course, I also remember the tv being on at the time and am sure that that was helpful. Being the present-wrapper now, I'm not sure I could duplicate her success.

* I remember making ornaments out of beads and pipe cleaners with my mom, sister, and at least one of my brothers. I remember being shown how to make patterns with the colors and how to string the beads from largest to smallest to make an icicle effect. I remember the pride with which I hung those ornaments that year and every year following. I always loved how the semi-transparent beads sparkled in the tree lights.

One more for good measure:
* I remember the old Christmas lights - you know, the ones where one light burned out and the whole string went out and you had to replace each light until you found the faulty one? My mom was so fond of lights that we must have had 30 strands. Every year, it seems that one of us would help dad untangle and test the strings of lights. I remember how hot they were on bare feet when one accidentey stepped on the strand while it was layed out being tested. I also remember how festive the front room carpet looked with all the lights decorating it.

Taking a moment

Taking a moment to breathe. What does Mr. Magorium say? "We breathe. We pulse. We regenerate. Our hearts beat. Our minds create. Our souls ingest. 37 seconds, well used, is a lifetime." I didn't care for this movie until I had watched it a couple of times. I love the idea behind it now, but still have to muscle through Dustin Hoffman lisping.


An unusually full schedule lately has reminded me of the necessity of rest. I have always been a person who expected perfection of herself. My first memory of this that I can recall at the moment (I have a memory like a colander) is in elementary school when I received an A- instead of an A on an assignment and I had a breakdown. I mean, seriously?? I don't think I ever really lived up to my expectations of myself. That's a pretty depressing place to be. I used to overbook myself so much that I would carry a planner around with me, write down everything and plan down to 5 to 10 minutes at a time. Never taking into account that I needed time, just time, that wasn't structured. I continued in this mindset until I met and married a most wonderful and remarkable man. This man taught me to slow down. I fought it, to one extent or another, for years, but I think I am finally learning.


Example - I am blogging. This doesn't have any purpose other than exploring my own creativity and mind. I never would have been able to justify spending time in this way. Another example - I have stopped writing lists. This has been an interesting change - with some interesting consequences. I have allowed that I need to write down specific dates and times when I have appointments or things are due, but I am allowing the long to-do lists to disappear. I used to get so tired just looking at all the lists. Lists of projects for the house, lists of filing, dr.'s visits, church responsibilities, activities I didn't want to forget to do with the kids, extended family responsibilities, even a wish-list of all the good deeds I wanted to do for others if I only had the time. Just writing this makes my stomach tie in a knot. I'd go on, but I can't think about it any more without getting stressed.


Anyway, point is, I am now prioritizing. I acknowledge that I can't do everything. I also have faith that the most important things will still rise to the surface. And so far, they have. Oh, there's maybe a few things that I have dropped that I didn't mean to, but those have been good experiences as well, as I've been amazed over and over again that the world still spins when I'm not propelling it. 


Now, like a pendulum, when you make a big change like this, there is always a chance you'll swing a little too far the other way before you find your balance, but I think it's been worth it, and I think I'll find a balance that is better for me and for my family than ever before.

Yoga

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OsSWWLo9g7s

The above is the yoga I tried out this morning. It is something called Kundalini yoga and uses the 'breath of fire'. I love how all of the poses are designed to have a deeper, more emotional benefit. This benefits your karma, your charm ... I'm really not being facetious, it's interesting and I thoroughly believe in mind over matter. If you can convince yourself that you are, for example, confident, happy, etc. I believe you will be. My grandmother always said that 'that is your brain and you can do anything you want with it." Meaning, you control it. You can do anything you think you can do. It's your responsibility how you feel and how you act.

Which is why, instead of staying in a warm, cozy bed, thinking of everything that hurts today, I got up and did yoga. I'm not sure if it's the best yoga out there, but it got me moving - and kept me out of the cold while I still consider actually buying thermal underwear. Grandma, here's to you. My brain kicked my butt into gear today. Now, with a little bit of prayer, hopefully I'll keep moving through the day. No, strike that, I'm GOING to keep moving through the day. Determination ... "Attitude is Everything" ... and any other encouraging thought I can come up with.

Here's to you, Day. Let's make it a good one.